Why Couples Therapy Fails for Most Couples
Written by Geoffrey Setiawan on May 14, 2019
Does couples therapy work? Well, judge for yourself…
Right now, only 50% of distressed couples will have an improved, and more satisfying marriage for 4+ years after counseling.
Research estimates find that up to 40% of couples will divorce after going through counseling.
66% of client undergoing marriage counseling have up to 20 sessions (some even 50). At a rate of $200 per hour, you can do the math here. Couples counseling bills can rack up very quickly.
So you would think that after spending $4,000+ (and not to mention the ridiculous amount of time you spend driving and sitting in your counselor’s office), you would expect a higher success rate.
But that’s not the case. Far from it.
But it gets even worse. These statistics are for couples who actually chose to do couples counseling.
But in my experience, the vast majority of couples usually involve one or more partner who aren’t even willing to consider couples counseling.
So if you really think about it — odds are massive that couples counseling will likely not save your marriage/relationship.
So why does the statistics look so grim? What’s happening here?
Well, in my experience working with many struggling couples, there are two very good reasons for this:
1) One or more persons is usually forced into doing couples therapy
It is one thing if your partner is as willing and open to doing couples therapy as you are. But what if he/she isn’t? What if he/she is actively against it?
Here’s the thing — struggling couples normally have years and years of bitterness and baggage weighing it down. These years of crap has usually broken down their ability to communicate well — with most of their exchanges filled with passive-aggressive, sarcastic, threatening, and forceful comments.
And if one of the partners does not want to do couples counseling, then what usually happens? They resort to these same passive-aggressive, sarcastic, threatening, and forceful comments to force their partners to join.
Often, this creates even more conflict and animosity and destroys the relationship even more.
And sometimes, forcing your partner to join might work.
But again — forcing someone to join couples therapy is a recipe for disaster, because they are not going to committed to changing and improving for the long-haul.
2) One or more persons has a bad experience once the program starts
If you belong to the #1 group and have forced your partner to join couples counseling, then #2 is also almost inevitable. Couples counseling will quickly become a nightmare when one or more persons involved is reluctant.
But beyond that, a lot of couples counselors just aren’t that good, and most of them probably have a lot of issues with their own relationship. This is because a lot of counselors stick to the world of theory, but these “theories” begin to fall flat when brought to the practical real world.
And not to mention any of these issues that people typically face with couples therapy —
- Counselors are never there when you need them. This is what you will hear a lot — “Have an urgent relationship crisis. No worries, I will see you next week!”
- Most counselors do not give impactful advice. They are just there are glorified mediators as you interact for 45-50 minutes at a time.
- Hopping between counselors to find the right one and spending a lot of $$$. It takes a while to find the right counselor that fits you, and doing this can be a frustrating and expensive process.
- Counselors playing favorites & victimizing one person. As cliche’d as this one is, when clients come to my practice for help, this is their #1 complaint about their previous experiences in counseling.
- Feeling afraid to truly be open (Fear of implications in divorce court). And when you feel afraid to be truly open during couples counseling, everything will break down.
- They can’t go too deep and create massive changes. He/she is there 1 or 2 hours per week, but what about the other 166 hours in the week? I hear this one a lot. A therapist would say “let’s spend the next 45-50 minutes and get to the root of this. But is this really enough time? Hardly.
And many more…
Let’s face it — while I respect and admire a lot of counselors and therapists out there. The system is broken, and the way we treat problems in relationships needs to change.
So what can you do about it?
Well, my best advice is to stop looking to counselors as the expert that can help save your relationship, because most likely, they can’t.
Instead, gain the right knowledge and turn yourself into your own counselor for your relationship where you will be free of not only the costs of couples counseling, but also free of the systemic issues that prevents counseling from truly working.
This is why I have created my consulting business — to provide couples with an alternative way of solving the issues in their relationship.
There are 5 aspects of our program that allow people to really fix their relationship issues.
1) We turn you into your own relationship doctor, so that you don’t need to go to a doctor.
Imagine going to a doctor’s office one day and your doctor hands you a pamphlet and says “next time you are sick, just look at this. Don’t waste money coming to me”.
Wouldn’t that be amazing?
Well, that is exactly what this program seeks to do.
The truth is that relationships does not have to be complicated, and in my program, I have found a proven process to help you diagnose any issues imaginable in your relationship and quickly turn it around.
My mission is to give you total control of your relationship and give you the power to steer and design your relationship your way.
No more waiting one week before seeing your counselor.
No more being helpless in the middle of the night when you two are arguing.
No more being lost, confused, or overwhelmed the next time you are faced with issues in your relationship.
2) We Do Not Force Change, But We Create an Environment That Naturally Creates Change
Most people's approach to solving their relationship issues is to force the changes to happen, but they rarely focus on the environment that leads to that ideal changes.
For example, they force each other to stay calm and control their emotions, but they do not pay attention to fixing the environment that is making staying calm really difficult.
They force each other to communicate openly and freely, but they do not pay attention to creating a culture where both people feel free to share their thoughts openly and freely.
Most people force themselves and their partner to love and support each other unconditionally, but they do not create an environment that makes supporting and loving each other easy.
Most people force intimacy, sex and romance to happen, but they do not think about creating an environment where those things can happen naturally and effortlessly.
And because of this, love increasingly becomes an obligation, forced, and unnatural. Bitterness builds up and the relationship continues to degrade and they end up getting the opposite of what they were trying to create.
This program tries a different approach -- we focus heavily on creating the right environment first, so that creating the right change become natural and effortless.
We will learn to create an environment where:
- Managing and calming intense emotions becomes easy and effortless.
- Communicating openly and freely just comes naturally.
- Both parties love and support each other because they want to, not because they have to.
- Sex, intimacy and romance is not forced, but happens because both parties want to.
- Both parties want to work on the relationship and become their best, because they value the relationship.
And once you learn how to create the right environment, then that's when everything changes in your relationship, and when you will begin to create real, lasting changes to your relationship.
3) We provide support and mentorship that will be available in your greatest time of need.
When you sign on to the program, you will receive ample access to not only my help, but also the help of our Facebook community. Our mission is to provide you with the help you need, when you need it.
From this community, you will be able to find capable mentors that will help keep you on the right track. You will be able to post your questions, issues and concerns to the community, and myself, or other members of the community will be able to help you with your issue.
We're not just there for 1-2 hours per week, but we are there for you close to 24/7.
4) The program is not built from theories, but proven practical advice that actually works.
Nothing in this program is just theory.
I've spent over $20,000 and 8+ years buying other programs, reading books, and going to the best couples therapy sessions.
I've taken everything I have learned and put it to the test in the market. So rest assured that everything in this program has been tried and tested by my clients, and they have been shown to yield massive changes if you simply follow it.
You will take home lasting and highly practical and impactful lessons from this program, most of which you will never hear anywhere else.
5) We Take an Inside-Out Approach
But the most important difference of our program is that it takes an inside-out approach. We are not about "faking it till you make it" or simply learning the right things to do or say.
Instead, we are going to massively change the way you think about yourself, the way you think about relationship, and really create the massive changes within.
We will turn you into the person who can design and create your dream relationship.
So if you feel stuck or want to learn more, schedule a free 50-minute strategy session with me.
I would love to talk with you.
I'm Geoffrey
I help people create a fulfilling, effortless and intimate relationship.
Ever since I was little, I have been obsessed about learning the science and mechanics of love and romance. Not only have I used those learnings to design my own dream relationship, but I have coached hundreds of people to do the same, and design that fulfilling, effortless and intimate relationship they were meant to have.
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